Jokes
Jokes Jokes
I'll tell you what, if your best golf joke is not on this page, send it
to me and I will post it and give you credit if you want. Simply hit the
link and it will take you to the joke - sounds simple, eh? Be warned,
some of these jokes may be a little too rude for some. Read on!
What Would Tiger Do?
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage when the new bride said to the husband, “I have a
confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replied, “That’s no big thing in this day and
age.”
The wife continued, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him.”
The husband and wife then made passionate love. When they finished, the
husband got up and walked to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” said the wife.
The husband said, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service
and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband put down the phone and went back to bed to make love with
his wife a second time. When they finished, he got up and went over to
the phone.
“What are you doing?” She said.
The husband said, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get
room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slammed down the phone and went back to bed and made love to his
wife one more time. When they finished he was tired and beat. He dragged
himself over to the phone and started to dial.
The wife asked, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par
for this hole.”
Whose Tee is This Anyway
A golfer was addressing his ball on the first hole, getting read to swing.
As he was about to hit, a voice came over the P.A. system, “Will
the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please move back to the men’s
tee.”
The golfer looked up and then resumed addressing the ball.
The voice again, “Will the Man on the Red tees please move back
to the White tees!!”
The golfer looked back at the starter’s shack and said,
“Will the man on the P.A. please shut the fuck up, so that the man
on the ladies tee can hit his second shot!”
Poor Harry
Upon arriving home from a round of golf, Tom’s wife says, “You
look like hell, what happened?”
Tom replied, “Well, everything was going great until we got to the
third tee. When Harry got up to hit his shot, he collapsed with a heart
attack.”
“Why that’s awful, but why do you look so tired?” the
wife asked. As Tom sat down to rest his weary bones, he said, “Well
for the rest of the round it was - hit and drag Harry.... hit and drag
Harry.... “
Golf Balls
A woman was cleaning her husband’s dresser drawers when she found
3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser
drawer. The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth
is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball
in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about
it said, “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh
by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer? The husband replied”
Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
Hit Man
There are three friends who go golfing every Saturday. One Saturday as
they were about to tee off a stranger asked them if he could join them.
The three friends said sure. After about four holes one of the friends
asked the stranger what he did for a living. The stranger said he was
a hitman. The three friends all laughed. The stranger said, “no
really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere.
You can take a look at it if you like”. So one of the friends takes
a look. Sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. The
friend gets all exited and says “wow”! I bet I can see my
house through this scope. May I look? Sure the hitman replies.
The friend looks for a few seconds and says “yeah” You can
see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There’s
my wife, naked. Isn’t she beautiful? Wait! There’s my next-door
neighbor! And he’s naked too! This really upsets the guy, so he
asks the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, “I
get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The friend responds, I
want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s
always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to
shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.
The hitman agrees. He sets up and looks through the scope. The hitman
has been looking for about 5 minutes. Finally the friend gets really impatient
and asks, “What are you waiting for. The hitman replies,
“Just hold on... I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”
Tropical Island
A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female
scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs
to greet her and tells her he hasn’t seen another human in five
years.
“Sounds like you could use a drink,” she says as she unzips
one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12-year-old Scotch. “That’s
the best drink I’ve ever had!” he exclaims. “Would you
like a smoke?” she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit
and offers the man a Cuban cigar. “This must be the best cigar in
the world!” he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air. As she
begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile,
“Would you like to play around?” “Wow, you got golf
clubs in there, too!??”
Ribbit
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit. 9 Iron”
The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. “Ribbit. 9 Iron.”
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You
must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s “Ribbit.
Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next
hole. “What do you think frog?” the man asks. “Ribbit.
3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man
is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK
where to next?” The frog reply’s, “Ribbit. Las Vegas.”
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”
The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks,” What do you think I should bet?” The
frog replies, “Ribbit. $3000,black 6.” Now, this is a million-to-one
shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings
and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog,
I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money
and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss
Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”
Honey Can I Play?
Four married guys go to play golf. During the 4th hole, the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that
I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said
anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off,
I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Golf Course
or Intercourse?’ and she said, ‘Make sure you wear your sweater.’”
New Wife
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing
with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his driveway off
into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed
the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could
hit his ball straight through the barn to the green. He saw this as an
excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors
and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately,
the ball was off line, careened off the doorframe, hit the wife in the
head and killed her. Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this
time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation
occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took
a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened
both barn doors and hit through the barn.
“No way,” he says. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” she asks.
“The last time I did that something terrible happened.”
“What?” she asked.
“I got a double bogey.”
Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus met at a charity event. As one would expect
the conversation turned to golf. As one would not expect Stevie indicated
that he loved playing golf. Jack was intrigued.
“How do you play golf?” asked Jack.
“My caddie lines me up then he runs out into the fairway where he
makes noise and I hit toward him.”
“Ok, but what do you do on the green?”
“Pretty much the same thing except my caddie get down on his knees
close to the hole and makes noise and I putt toward the noise.”
“That’s pretty amazing, I would love to play with you some
time.”
“That would be great. Except I must tell you that I take my golf
very seriously and I always play for at least a $100,000 a hole.”
At this point with people all around, Jack’s ego wouldn’t
let him back out and he said, “You’re on! When do you want
to play?”
To which Stevie replied, “Oh, any night this week is good for me.”
Bogie Butt
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what
happened. “Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture
of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and
lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball..........stuck
right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made
my mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor. “Well,
I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
If I Die
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all
need companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would
she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way
we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”
“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going
to last a long time, so I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept
in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”
Rare Chinese Disease
A woman golfer was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided
to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese
sex therapist.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, “Ok, take off all you crose.”
The woman did as she was told. “Now, get down and craw reery reery
fass to odder side of room.”
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “Ok,
now craw reery reery fass back to me.”
So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem
vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you
not haf sex or dates.”
Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?”
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
“Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your
ass.”
World’s Worst Foursome
Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Heidi Fliess...OJ Simpson...Ted Kennedy...& Bill Clinton
Why???
Fliess is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can’t drive over
water & Clinton doesn’t know which hole to play.
Lamaze Class
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance
of exercise, hinting strongly that the husbands needed to get out and
start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant
father inquired, “While she walks, would it be okay if she carries
a bag of golf clubs?”
Richard
Helen warned Richard as he left early for the club, “Don’t
be late home, we are due to leave for the Jones’ party at six and
we can’t be late again.” Well, Richard finished his game in
plenty of time and was leisurely driving home when at the side of the
road he saw a pretty young damsel in distress. Ever the gentleman, he
stopped to see if he could help. She had a blown tire, which ultimately
Richard was able to change. “Thank you so much,” said the
young lady, “but you got so dirty, would you care to come back to
my apartment to clean up—I live just around the corner?” Richard
checked the time. It was only 2:30 and he was rather filthy so he thanked
her and accepted.
When he came out of the bathroom, the young lady, clad in “something
more comfortable,” offered Richard a glass of wine - “The
least I can do,” said she. One glass turned into another and finally
the two ended up in bed! Richard woke with a start, checked his watch
& was horrified to see it was 5:45. No way would he ever be home by
six. When he finally arrived home some 30 minutes later, an irate Helen
met him. Richard, who had never been unfaithful in his life, decided he
could only confess and proceeded to tell his wife the entire story, start
to inevitable finish. “YOU STINKING LIAR,” yelled Helen, “YOU
PLAYED ANOTHER 9 HOLES!!!”
Wooded Ravine
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He
took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his
lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted
something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that
it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton. Joe immediately called out
to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the
ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get
out of here with an eight iron!”
Genie
A dejected golfer was walking along the beach in solitude after losing
all his bets that day, when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked
it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah
blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The golfer sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very
seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there
to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the
Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another
wish.”
The golfer said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,
he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So,
I wish that I could understand women...... know how they feel inside.......
what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment ....
know why they’re crying...... know what they really want when they
say ‘nothing’ ..... . know how to make them truly happy ......”
Then the genie interjected, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”
What’s a Guy to Do?
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club
and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed
through the windshield of an oncoming car.
The startled driver lost control of his vehicle and it spun into a parking
lot and bouncing off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and
was relieved to find that no one was hurt.
Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next
to the crashed car eyeing his ball. “Just what are you going to
do about this?” demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and replied, “Well, the first thing I’m going
to do is change my damned grip.”
Why Golf is Better Than Sex
1. You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2. If you are having trouble with golf, it’s perfectly acceptable
to pay a professional golfer to show you how to improve your technique.
3. The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about golf.
4. If your partner takes any pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you
don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
later become famous.
5. Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners
you’ve golfed with.
6. It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger you
happen to meet at the golf course.
7. You can put yourself through college on a golf scholarship and earn
a varsity letter in golf.
8. When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty
about imagining the two of you golfing together.
9. If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t
object if you golf with someone else.
10. Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by yourself.
11. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to worry if it’s
really an undercover cop.
12. You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood
to buy golf equipment.
13. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf
jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for
harassment.
14. There’s no such thing as a GTD (golf transmitted disease).
15. If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe
to a premium cable channel.
16. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the
rest of your life, then give up the game if your partner loses interest
in golfing.
17. You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily
for the purpose of golfing.
18. Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last
week! Is that all you ever think about?”
World’s Greatest Golf Ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
“Are you sure?” the friend persisted.
“What happens if you lose that ball?”
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t
lose it so I don’t need another one.”
“Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss
your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”
“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf
ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?”
The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special
golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back—no
problem.”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes
late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What
are you going to do then?”
“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball
is fluorescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
“Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
The other guy replies, “I found it.”
If Only…
Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. Not having
a lighter, he asked his friend if he had one. “I sure do,”
he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC
lighter.
“Wow,” said his friend, “where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked.
“Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?” He opens his golf bag and out pops the
genie.
The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you
grant me one wish?”
“Yes, I will,” the genie said. So the friend asks him for
a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting
for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying
overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, “I asked for a million BUCKS...not
ducks!”
He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?”
It Still Hurts
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: “Please
allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.
“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine
in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she
persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, “How
does that feel?”
To which he replied: “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell!”
Mike and Bob
Mike and Bob were out playing golf. On the first hole, Mike hits his drive
right into the water. He takes a brand new ball out of his bag, tees it
up and proceeds to hit the second ball just like the first—right
into the water. Again Mike takes out a brand new ball and again the same
result.
Bob looks at him and asks, “Why do you keep taking out brand new
balls and hitting them into the water? Why don’t you use an old
ball?”
“I would,” Mike replies, “But I’ve never had an
old ball!”
Golf Safari
An avid golfer found himself in Africa with time to play. He asked at
his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab and spent two
hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived
at a course.
He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since
he’d never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes,
he was escorted to the first tee, where his caddie was waiting with a
bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other.
The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive
down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four. As they were walking
to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer.
Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle and
shot the animal dead.
Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his
breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach and parred the hole.
The same thing happened on the second hole, a long, twisting par five.
But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the
golfer and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie’s rifle.
By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappable
- and obviously was a good shot - so they played on.
The third hole was an easy par three surrounded by water. The golfer hit
a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the
green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him.
Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help. But the caddie stood
motionless. The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get
upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn’t move.
Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, “Aren’t
you going to do something?”
The caddie looked at the scorecard and said, “I’m sorry, sir,
but you don’t get a shot on this hole.”
Am I Dead?
After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search
of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his
position - and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke - he decides
to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets
back at him and instantly kills him.
When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing
before him.
“Am I dead?” he asks.
“Yes, my son,” replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and
notices his clubs.
“I see you’re a golfer,” St. Peter says. “Are
you any good?”
“Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
Gore!
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida
which will replace the traditional call of “FORE.” Once a
player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call “GORE”
while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the
same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied
the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This
will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player
can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation to the
PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule
was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida,
and the first hole only took 7 days to complete.
Caddy Chat
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m
going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100
on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used
to.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s
distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, its a compass!”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
Golfer (screaming): “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the
world!”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!”
Octogenarian
An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play
but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play with since everyone
was already out on the course.
He insisted several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would spot
him 12 strokes.
The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as
I have been playing quite well.
The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”
And he did play well. Coming into the par four 18th they were all even.
The pro had a nice drive. His second shot was a beauty and left him an
8-foot putt for birdie.
The old man had a really long drive, which came to rest in one of two
greenside sand traps.
Playing from the sand trap he hit a lofted feathery sand wedge, which
landed on the green and rolled right into the cup!
The Assistant Pro walked over to where his opponent was still standing
in the sand trap and said, “ Nice shot, but I thought you said you
have a problem getting out of sand traps?”
Replied the octogenarian “I do. Can you please give me a hand.”
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Rough Rough
Toward the end of the golf course, Eddie somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying
to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup
in the patch.
All of a sudden 'POOF', in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for
the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter
for anything the rest of your life!" Then 'POOF'! She was gone.
After Eddie got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you?
"Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."
Wow "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For shit sakes, dammit, DON'T SWING!!".
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger
Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish
countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting
him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the
golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger
nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating
the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
An 80 year old man visited the
doctor's office for a general physical, as
required by his new insurance company. The doctor was amazed by the
excellence of the elderly man's health and physical condition.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer -- that's why I'm in such good
shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100-years old, and as a matter of fact,
he golfed
with me this morning, and I think that's why he's still alive -- he's
an
avid golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still
living? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118-years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said sarcastically,
"I
guess he went golfing with you this morning, too?"
The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning."
Now the doctor thought he was making progress and ask, "Why, is he
beginning to feel his age?"
The old timer said, "Hell no, Grandpa got married today."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!! Why would a guy 118
years
old want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
CADDY
2 women talking about a 3rd who isn’t there to defend herself
CHIPPING
Time to get your nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE
“Casablanca” followed by “African Queen”
FAIRWAY
Splitting the bill when the girls do lunch
GOOD LIE
Weight on your driver’s license
GREENS
Lunch we eat when we really would love a cheeseburger
HOLE-IN-ONE
Time to get new panty hose
IRON
What guys need to learn to do so guys and iron their own shirts
ROUGH
Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything
SHAFT
You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing
TEES
Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee
WATER HAZARD
Giving the kids too much to drink before a long road trip
WEDGE
Bathing suit that’s too tight
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood - all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45
minutes
No wonder men are always so much happier!
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than Sex
#10 - A below par performance is
considered damn good.
#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers
#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5 - Three times a day is possible
#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
#3 - If you live in California, you can do it almost every day.
#2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
---- and the #1 reason why Golf is better than Sex...
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
Great Country and Western Song Titles (not really golf related, but still funny)
- You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life
- You Done Me Wrong, But at Least You Done Me
- You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
- When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-By
- We Feed Our Babies Onions So We Can Find 'Em In The Dark
- One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain't Gonna Be There)
- Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, cuz I'm a Little Boulder There
- I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It'd Strain Our Love
- I'm So Miserable Without You, it's Almost like Having you Here
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
- I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better
- Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
- At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
At dawn, the telephone rings...
"Hello, Señor Smith? This is Ernesto... the caretaker at your
country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you, Señor that your parrot
died." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International
speaking competition?"
"Si, Señor...that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"
"Dead horse? What dead horse?!"
"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Señor Smith.
He died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor!"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The
one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
on fire."
"What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor... She showed up one night out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief.. So I hit her with your new Tiger
Woods Nike driver."
A long pause of complete silence...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
